Get serious, not serial.

 

Beware the lure of serial dating – you might lose your whole self in your quest always to be someone else’s other half…

There’s nothing like the feeling you get when you’re in love. Your steps seem lighter, the sun shines brighter and everything is just rainbows and butterflies.

It’s so reassuring to have someone to talk to, someone to lean on – you know there’s always somebody who’ll be there for you, whenever you need them.

As women, we have a lot of love within us and it brings us a sense of stability and fulfilment when we have someone with whom to share this love. It becomes a habit – we grow accustomed to our ‘other half’ – and instead of remaining a whole, we become just that, one half of a partnership.

While this may not be a completely bad thing, the problem comes in when the relationship doesn’t last. You are no longer a whole. You miss your other half. So what do you do? You find another half and … BOOM! You’re a whole person again, right – or not?! You’re a serial dater.

Can’t remember the last time you were single?

It’s easier to go from one relationship straight into another in order to avoid all the pain that comes with losing a partner.

Getting into another relationship distracts you. “John who?!” You quickly forget about your ex-boyfriend (the good and the bad parts) and you don’t have to deal with any pain.

Can’t imagine why anyone would want to be single?

Being single can be a scary thought straight after a break-up. You have to pick up the pieces and begin again. What many women don’t realise is that being single is a part of healing.

You need to heal in order to work through all the baggage of the relationship you just came out of because baggage doesn’t disappear – it follows you and one day it will catch up.

 “I can do everything I did when I was single while being in a relationship”

Another common symptom of a serial dater is to put emphasis on the fact that they can do anything (with the exception of playing the field of course) that a single woman can do.

No, you can’t. Being in a relationship requires time, effort, understanding and compromise. You have to think about yourself as well as your partner.

Single women have time to focus on themselves and truly being all they can be – alone. This works because when Mr Right comes along, they won’t be left with the feeling that they missed out or thinking “what if” and if by some chance things with ‘Mr Right’ don’t work out, they have the strength to wait for what they deserve.

There’s a difference between being in love and being comfortable

Yes, there is a very big difference. Being ‘in love’ with someone is not the same as ‘loving’ someone. You love your friends, your mother, and your brother, or your dog. It’s natural to be comfortable with someone you love and not want to hurt them. There is safety in the familiar.

Don’t settle for comfort because you’re scared. Being ‘in love’ is worth the struggle and the search.

Serial killers choose their victims. They go through dozens of people who all have something in common. Serial daters go from relationship to relationship – dating ‘the same’ guy, and going through the same problems.

“A woman becomes a woman when she realises she doesn’t need a man to comfort her.” Take the time to find yourself, what you love, who you are and where you want to be. Learn to love yourself and live your life to the fullest alone and Mr Right will find you. Remember you need a man only to COMPLEMENT you, not COMPLETE you.

 
(This was one of my first “published” articles)
Article originally posted on All4Women.co.za.

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Wedding cake-in-the-middle-of-the road

This topic kind of reminds me of my views on marriage – if that makes sense? I grew up like every other little girl, dreaming of the day I’d get swept off my feet and marry my dream husband. We’d live happily ever after…

Now, many years later, I am old enough to know that in REAL life that’s not always how the story goes. My parents divorced when I was just two years old and in my lifetime I have seen countless relationships, engagements and marriages crash and burn right in front of my eyes – this doesn’t paint a very bright picture of love and marriage in my mind.

Most marriages today end in divorce. I don’t know if I want to deal with that. Break ups suck! I can’t imagine what divorce must feel like?

I think I may just be happy to go through life with a partner, someone I can commit to and be with for the rest of my life without the formality of marriage. I mean in today’s times what does marriage really mean anyway?

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Every relationship you form in life should be based on respect. Whether it’s a friendship, relationship or business partnership, you can’t form a bond with someone if you don’t have and show respect for them. As Lauryn Hill says “respect is just the minimum”, if you don’t have respect you’ve got nothing.

That being said, in order to get respect you need to earn it. If you don’t respect others, don’t expect them to respect you. One of the biggest problems in the world today is that people have no respect for anything or anyone – this is why it’s so easy for humans to commit such monstrous crimes against the rest of humanity.

As Theodore Parker; an American Transcendentalist and reforming minister of the Unitarian church, once said “Never violate the sacredness of your individual self-respect.” because respect starts within and only once you respect yourself are you able to respect everyone and everything else around you.

The man may wear the pants but the woman takes them off.

As a woman, you dictate how a man can treat you. Yes, I said it. The way a man treats you is your fault –well, MOST of the time anyway. It’s so easy for a woman to turn around and say all men are the same. I mean, men don’t exactly jump at the chance to prove the negative stereotypes wrong that some women have of them.

Men are simple creatures. He either wants to be with you, or doesn’t. Women hear what they want to. They add 1 + 1 and end up with five. When a man says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he’s not playing hard to get – he means it. Yet many women take this as a personal challenge and then blame the man later when he turns around and moves on to the next fling (and then we have the pleasure of reading countless emo Facebook and Twitter updates).

We teach men how to treat us by accepting their bad behaviour (Yes there are genuine assholes walking this Earth, but they are a mixture of male and female). If a man loves you he will treat you as you should be treated; he will take your feelings into account. You will matter to him.

If a man treats you badly and you allow it everytime, don’t expect him to change. Know what you’re worth and know what you deserve. Don’t accept anything less. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

Hello significant other, goodbye (now) insignificant friend

I’ve seen it all too many times. Two people meet, fall in love and forget just about everyone else on the planet – except maybe other couples because they can do cool couple stuff and bask in each others’ couple-like awesomeness. Yes, I realise I sound like I’m hating – actually, I am. Not because I want that, but because I would like my friends back. Thanks!

I am always happy for my friends (both the boys and the girls) when they find love or even just ‘like’. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see their friends happy. My problem is I’d just like to actually SEE my friends.

Before people get into relationships, they’re a lot more fun because there isn’t anyone to distract their thoughts. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to be boring or forget how to socialise.

I don’t know why couples feel the need to spend every-single-minute-of-the-day together! SAVE IT FOR MARRIAGE HONEY! Because if/when you two break up, adjusting to a life without that person will be that much harder.

It’s hard to balance friendships and a relationship, but not impossible. Don’t forget that your friends were there before your boyfriend/girlfriend, and they’ll be there afterwards helping you pick up the pieces.

There’s nothing wrong with spending a lot of time with your significant other but remember that a friendship is similar to a relationship – it works both ways and takes effort from BOTH parties. Make time to see your friends, make time to be a friend! Because while people fall in and out of love all the time – friendship is forever.

First Love

I don’t believe that you’ll love your first love forever. I also don’t believe you’ll never forget your first love – I meanyou’ll obviously never forget them, but that goes for anyone you fall in love with, not just your first.

In fact, I think first love is the most superficial kind of love you’ll ever experience. It’s euphoric, emotions are everywhere and you aren’t familiar with what you’re feeling. Everything you think, say or do is amplified and intensified. It’s a natural high. I won’t lie, it’s amazing but it’s also blinding.

I think it’s beautiful that some people only ever end up with one person, their first and last love. However, for the rest of us, if things didn’t work out we need to let go. That’s the beauty of life – you can love, let go and start over.

I remember my first love (and I cringe), I don’t regret it but I also don’t mourn for it. You can never truly move on unless you truly let go. If it doesn’t work out with your first love, that’s okay. Be grateful because when the right person does come along, your first love will be like your first kiss – irrelevant.

The word ‘platonic’ exists for a reason.

Society has placed a strong emphasis on the male and female attraction. So much so that it’s almost automatic that people assume any boy-girl combination seen together are a couple. I mean really now, is the idea of a platonic relationship that ridiculous?

About a week ago, a good friend of mine and I decided to meet the rest of our friends at a party. Simply because everyone else had things to do beforehand and we wanted to be there early.

Within the first half an hour of being there, we had both been asked numerous times about our relationship. “NO WE ARE NOT DATING.” The funny thing is that this very same friend of mine, is in my close circle of friends. We are always out together. So what made this particular time different? We arrived together!



According to rumours I have dated ALL of my close guy friends to date. How entertaining. They are like the brothers I never had. I get along easier with guys. I have more guy friends than girl friends and I can safely say I don’t plan on falling in love with, hooking up with or marrying any of them. I love them but I am not IN love with any of them (and vice versa).

I think every girl and guy should have atleast one close friend of the opposite sex. Girls and guys can be friends, they’re supposed to be! People need to stop jumping to the wrong conclusions and see things as it is, sometimes guys and girls hang out – just because they’re friends and that’s what friends do.